Yesterday my nine-year-old son came home and told me all about this game he created … it was this elaborate, imaginative game, complete with make-believe characters and multiple storylines, full of exciting twists and turns along the way. After he explained it all to me he confessed that there was just one problem. He had to play it by himself. He would have loved to share this adventure with someone else but he looked around and couldn’t find anyone, in a large crowd of children, who he thought would want to play with him.
Another day he came home, reduced to tears, after no one wanted to be in a group with him during gym class. Some boys called him slow and the girls all linked arms and told him to look elsewhere. He ended up having to (once again) pair up with two ill-mannered, rule-breaking kids in the class because no one wanted to be with them either.
My son is not your typical 9-year-old boy. He isn’t competitive and doesn’t care for sports. He’s tried most of them but he would rather watch a musical than a football game. He would tell you his favorite sport was dance if he trusted you not to laugh. Otherwise, he would say it’s bowling and be prepared to argue the validity of calling bowling a sport. He is sensitive and shy at first. Once you get to know him he is imaginative, witty, clever and energetic.
He is a rule follower, almost to a fault. The innocent misbehavior and tomfoolery typically associated with “boys being boys” do not apply to him. At least not in a school setting. He would never purposefully break a rule or not follow directions. Not only the rules set by the school but also his own set of rules – like eating his lunch in healthy to least healthy order or finishing library books within two days. And I won’t even get started on the subject of punctuality! Let’s just say that his need to be on time is constant and profound.
Challenging gender stereotypes in childhood
His friends are mostly all-female, with the exception of a couple boys he has known since he was tiny. Even with the girls, it’s hard for him to truly fit in lately because, well, he’s a boy!! Not because that makes a difference to him but because it does to most girls. They don’t want to talk about “girl things” with him there! And as a boy, he can be super clueless as to what makes girls upset or angry. Or to even notice when they are offended!
These are all new challenges he is facing as he gets older and it can be hard to navigate exactly how to help him. I want him to be his true self and encourage him to be proud of who he is! I don’t want him to feel like he has to be a watered-down version of himself or anything other than himself. At the same time, I worry about him. What happens when these 3rd-grade girls become tweens and then teens?
Most of them have already traded his company for female companions who they can giggle and do pedicures with at sleepovers while talking about clothes and boys or princesses and unicorns! And I get it because girlfriends are the best! But where will this leave my son? Left out. That’s where I fear. It is a situation he is getting to know all too well these days.
Not “boy” enough?
He shouldn’t have to face rejection on a daily basis but here he is. Not “boy” enough for the boys, but obviously not a girl. I can only hope he finds like-minded boys in the future or that his female friends grow to accept him. That they appreciate the individuality his friendship brings as they mature. That they don’t shut him out because he is a boy or eventually outgrows him when they all move past make-believe and imagination.
For the past couple of years, he has been fortunate to have a best friend at school who loves and accepts him as he is. She is the Lizzie McGuire to his Gordo. The Hermoine to his Harry Potter. The Janice to his Damien. The Jessie Spano to his Zach Morris. You get it. She gets him and values him for who he is. She would choose him over anyone else and be ready to fight anyone who was cruel to him if she saw it! We are so blessed to have this little girl in our lives! And I truly believe that one good friend is enough in many ways.
But that one good friend cannot always be there. Both by reasons out of his control, like different teacher assignments in school, and just because they have different interests and activities. Further, his fear that this girl will change and reject him lingers at the back of his mind. What if she decides girlfriends are more important in middle school? What if she gets a crush on him?! What if she moves away??? So as much as he loves (sorry, C, LIKES) this one amazing friend, he continues to hope for more connections and look for other kids to somehow befriend. The challenge being his shyness and fear of rejection.
A different kind of boy
He is a different kind of boy, which sadly makes him an easy target for ridicule, bullying and mockery. When he tells me the things some kids do and say, I can understand why he shies away from being himself. Even the things adults say, unintentionally sometimes. While it breaks my heart, it also angers me that it has to be this way still in 2020! My hope for the future is that even the most macho, athletic, superstars on the varsity team can see boys like my son, appreciate their worth and individuality, and just move on.
Or better yet, befriend them. Protect them. Connect with them. Wouldn’t that be a nice future? Where all of our children were secure enough in their own identities that they could just be and let everyone else just be?! Or even better… They could be friends, vulnerable enough to trust one another with their true selves.
We have our part to play
It’s not going to happen anytime soon without our help. We have to be the kind of parents and educators who stop telling our kids which colours and toys and music and after school activities are for girls and which are for boys. In today’s modern world, there are many acceptable ways to be a girl. A girl who hangs with the guys and kills it on the basketball court is a badass. It shouldn’t be any different for boys.
It’s ok for boys to do ballet – not just because it’s great conditioning for football in the off-season but because there is worth and value in male dancers. It’s ok for boys to sing and act and create art – not only in addition to sports to help well-round them but as an equally worthy pastime! Challenging these gender stereotypes and broadening our definition of masculinity cannot be just a nice idea, it has to be a necessity!
We have to be accepting of all people and model kindness in our words and actions. We can help our kids see that even when our differences may be so glaringly obvious, everyone can connect on some level. Find those similarities and appreciate the differences. Learn and grow from one another. Support one another. When differences may at first appear foreign and hard to understand, we need to try and refrain from criticism and judgment.
The struggle of “fitting in”
For now, my son will keep suppressing his love of show-tunes while in public. He’ll keep his head down while he walks past certain kids, for fear they will mock him, or worse. And he will continue trying to fit in with the girls, fingers crossed they don’t shoo him away. Just keep building that character…
My wish for him is that one day he can walk the halls confidently, humming that latest Broadway hit and high-fiving the quarterback as he passes him on his way to show choir practice. I pray he will grow up to be strong and confident in who he is and feel accepted amongst all walks of life because he will live in a world where all kinds are valued.
Author bio
Sarah Rodriguez is a mum of four small children, living in Wheaton, Illinois in the United States. Her children, ages 9, 6, 4, and 2 keep her always on her toes and forever learning about life and motherhood. Her background is in education, specifically reading education. You can connect and follow along on Facebook and Instagram or on her personal blog .
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I see this in the school playground. My daughter has a friend (a boy) who loves dance and has a glittery backpack – thankfully he has many friends (mostly girls) but seems to be happy. It can be so hard though if a child feels like they don’t fit in.
There is a girl in my sons year who loves football, has short hair and wears shorts to school. She does not identify as being a boy at all she just likes those things. She has both male and female friends, but is embarrassed about using the toilets as some of the older kids presume she is a boy and see her going in to the girls toilets. It can be so hard to just be who you want to – I am glad she has so many friends.
I think it must be so hard for children sometimes. Other’s aren’t quite so open about things and that can make things difficult.
I have seen this so many times and despite how hard some parents try and encourage ‘just play’ or ‘they’re just toys’ and try to develop their understanding – those stereotypes are there. For such a forward thinking society not everybody feels the same and therefore those typical stereotypes will always be. I’m just glad your son has his ‘Hermione’ and loves him for who he is. I think it’s great he wants to stand and be different to the ‘norm’. Its a lot more fun.
He sounds like a really amazing boy. It’s such a shame these stereotypes exist xx
I was thinking about my son the whole time I was reading this, He is very different to the other boys in his class. He’s not fussed about sports at all and gets on a lot better with girls then boys. He’s his own little person and sometimes the other children don’t seem to want to accept him but we have told him to never stop being himself, he’ll find people who ‘get’ him xx
Oh this reminds me of my son, he isn’t interested in sports and loves music. He doesn’t like breaking rules but always gets a friend who is boisterous and I think it’s because he can stay quiet behind him
I am reminded of a fab Dr Seuss saying after reading this “Be who you are and say what you feel because the ones who mind don’t matter, and the ones who matter don’t mind.”
My son is only 3 but loves anything science-related and is really missing the museums at the moment.
We loove doing scientific experiments with a chemistry set – and my son loves making volcanoes!
My children have been creating different coloured carnation – they have been putting white carnations into a vase and have added food colouring to the water!
My children are very interested in bugs and leaves and love using their microscope
I think girls and boys friendships can struggle at the 7-9 sort of age, they all seem to gravitate away from friends of the opposite sex but, as they get to about 10/11 those friendships resume.
should help my kids with engineering skills
There will always be children that do not fit ‘the mould’ but become stronger individuals because of it. My daughter loves all types of science but it is not considered girlie.
Your son sounds wonderful! My kids are a mixture of gender stereotypes (ie my daughter loves anything pink, sparkly, unicorn-covered etc and can happily sit quietly with a book for hours/my son likes playing football, Lego, and Minecraft) but they also play against stereotype – my daughter is far more likely to come home from school with an accident slip & covered in bruises/scabs, loves insects & getting messy in the mud, and my son is polite & gentle, a real rule-follower like your son, and cries much more readily than his sister. I just think they’re them…regardless of their sex, they are individuals and I try not to have expectations based on gender.
We’ve come a long long way since I was young. When I was in school there was no known gay, bisexual, transgender people, no children from other countries or religions. If there had of been, I’m ashamed to say the majority of us wouldn’t have understood them so would have been horrible to them. It’s so good to see that people can be what they want to be, love who they want to love ect and everyone is fine with it; it’s as normal as it can get. There’s still a way to go but we’ve made huge progress.
My little one loves his telescope we bought him and looking at the stars through the conservatory.
My son loves to do dancing but he is one of only two boys in the dancing club of maybe 80+ girls. Parents push their children into gender stereotyped classes. I deliberately started him in dancing so he could see the world from a different point of view and if he gravitates towards football or rugby I will support him.