Breaking the bias: How to teach children to embrace difference

We live in turbulent times, where the ideas in the world and society are fast-moving and constantly shape-shifting fuelled by the power of social media. There has been a lot of talk recently about breaking the bias., which is fantastic as we all need to make a concerted effort to first acknowledge then break the bias. The story is being rewritten, and the stereotypes that many of us grew up with are being dismantled and outdated.

As parents, that means there is a lot of catching up to do in how we talk to and teach our children about the world around them – and we better do it fast! That’s why today I’m delighted to welcome Rebecca Rolland Harvard lecturer, speech pathologist, and mother and author of The Art of Talking With Children to help us understand as parents how to can play our part in breaking the bias and teach children to embrace difference.

At what age should we start talking to our children about bias and what are the different areas we should cover?

 We need back-and-forth dialogue over time to raise kids who embrace difference. You can start talking about these ideas as soon as your kids can talk–obviously more concretely, the younger the child. This can start with you modeling your thinking out loud. Talk about your journey noticing your own stereotypes and biases. For example, “I thought all people from that country were like this, but then I learned that many actually are not.”  

In your conversations, you can emphasize a few critical skills: knowledge, or an understanding about how the world works; morality, or knowing what’s right and wrong; social skills to relate to others with diverse backgrounds; and experience, helping kids reflect on what they’re learning and put it into practice.

To get more specific:

Help kids notice and name stereotypes

When you’re out and about, talk about how a stereotype is any comment that lumps all people with a certain quality into a single group. It might be positive or negative. Say, “all people with glasses are smart” or “all people who wear those shoes are cool.” Help kids notice these stereotypes in their own conversations and in advertising, books, and movies. Then talk about the fact that stereotypes don’t allow for all the differences we really see in those groups, and they aren’t fair.

Help kids talk about the reasons why things are why they are

Sometimes, kids form biases because they’re trying to figure out why things are the way they are. Kids are always making up stories about the world, trying to figure it out. To keep biases from forming–or to undo them–talk with them about the reasons they see what they see. 

For example, say they see all the people in a certain neighborhood eating fast food, and they say, “Those people are too lazy to walk to the grocery store.” But try driving around with your child and notice–how far away are the grocery stores in that neighborhood? Maybe it’s not all that easy to get fresh food. 

Can you give some age by age tips on how to talk to children about bias?

In my book, I use the “three Es” to structure these talks. That is, first Expand on what kids are thinking, then Explore beyond the here and now, then Evaluate how that went, or how their thinking has changed. You can start this even with young kids.

With young kids

You can start especially concretely. Show them the differences that exist in groups; for example, if they say, “All people from this group eat that food,” remind them that their grandfather, from that group, doesn’t eat it. 

Talk about straightforward information about why differences exist, based on history or science. For example, you can talk about why we all have different skin tones, based on where our ancestors lived. Let them explore these differences concretely, for example, finding colors that match their skin tones and those of the people around them. Talking about differences in a celebratory way lets kids notice them positively, rather than with a biased lens.

For older kids

You can do much the same, but more abstractly. For example, you can talk about what stereotypes are, and how sometimes, there is a historical reason why they developed. If a child says, for instance, “Girls don’t play soccer,” you can ask them where they’ve heard that, getting a sense of their understanding, and then show them counter-examples (for instance, women playing soccer in the Olympics). But you can also talk about the fact that, in many countries, girls weren’t allowed to play sports in school. You can highlight the unfairness of this while showing them where the stereotype might have come from.

How can we teach children to affirm each other’s differences, show solidarity and critique injustice?

Start by emphasizing that we are all different in some ways. Difference is not something “out there.” It is a part of all of us. Even within a classroom, there will be visible differences (in race, ethnicity, height) and invisible ones (in learning and thinking, in religion, and so on). Helping a child recognize and celebrate their own differences let them create a foundation for celebrating those differences in others. 

Later, teach kids to stand up for others who are being stereotyped or otherwise harmed through assumptions or biases. Help them role-play the kinds of talks they could have; for example, “That’s not true,” or “But have you thought about…?” Also, teach them to notice and point out counter-examples, or examples that don’t fit the stereotype. This helps them stand up for friends and helps them build their own understanding as well.

How important is what we say and do as parents (as well as knowing our own bias) and what can we do to be good role models for our children?

This is a really critical point. We can lecture all we want, but kids are watching the ways we talk and the ways we interact with those around us–and even the friends we have or don’t have. You may not think much about how you talk to the pharmacist or the person ahead of you in the grocery store line, but your kids are definitely noticing. 

At the same time, there’s no need to be perfect. Kids truly do benefit from us being reflective about missteps and mistakes. Talk aloud when you realize you’ve been rude or hurtful, or when you realize you stereotyped someone. Bringing yourself compassion in that moment is a key way to help kids bring the same to themselves. And–just as important–talk aloud with your children when you realize you need to apologize to someone. Letting them see you repair conversations is a powerful way for them to learn to do the same.

How can storytelling help with helping to teach children about bias? Can you share some recommendations?

Storytelling is such an important way for kids to learn about bias–since they’re not being lectured at, and they can come to learn about characters’ feelings and lives from the inside out. That’s the key not only to counteract bias, but also to build their empathy and their knowledge about the world. At the same time, reading about characters’ feelings teaches them that they may have similar emotions to someone who doesn’t look or act like them. 

A few books I especially appreciate are Ada Twist, Scientist” by Andrea Beaty and “Last Stop on Market Street” by Matt de la Pena. In the first, a girl learns to explore science and engineering in a spirit of fun and curiosity, and in the second, a boy rides a bus with his grandmother and discovers the beauty and novelty of the diversity around him.

Is breaking the bias a marathon, or a sprint?

This is definitely a marathon! Talking with kids about these subjects isn’t always easy, and our kids’ understanding is always changing. It’s so important to have these conversations evolve as our kids do.

What else can we do to encourage our children in their journey toward breaking the bias?

 Simply having them meet and be friends with others who are diverse in many ways is a great start. This allows them to have natural conversations with other kids that can teach them just as much as we can!

Anything else you would like to add?

Yes–I know, as a fellow mom, that these topics can feel tricky to discuss. But if you’re wondering whether it’s better to just stay silent about these topics, it’s definitely not. Kids are always making up stories about why things exist, and without your help, they may fall into the biases and stereotypes of our culture. Your support and discussion are key to helping break those stereotypes and raising a more open-minded generation of kids!

I’d also say that these conversations–exploring and celebrating differences of all kinds–can be really illuminating and fun. Think about trying lots of varieties of food from a certain culture, for example, to see how it differs in different regions, or learning more about a friends’ traditions or holidays. Rather than just thinking about the negative–as in combating bias–I like to flip it and think about embracing all the richness around us, in our everyday lives.

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