The warnings came….wait til they start school! You will have a whole other bunch of stuff to worry about and remember. As always, I silently laughed inside and thought….whatever! Oh but as usual, the doomsayers were right, being a school mum is a whole new kind of special as I’ve found out now we’re officially half way through the school year. Let me explain some of the joys:
You will live in fear of forgetting something
Having a child at school feels like unassumingly stepping into the role of an Executive Assistant at a big multinational company. You will be bombarded with dates, and duties, and thing to arrange and make and god help us! bake. You will live in fear of having not written these in the diary, and possibly forgetting to do these things all together. You will be bombarded by emails, letters in the book bag and messages on whatsapp, making you feel like a manic tazmanian devil of admin.
Despite being on the receiving end of all of this communication, you will spend most of your days still having absolutely no clue what you are supposed to do when. You live in hope that one day you will be a seasoned pro like those who went before.
Leaving for the school run will always be a nightmare
No matter how much buffer time you do or do not factor in; no matter how much you bribe, beg or shout; no matter hope much you swear today will be different – the school run will always be a nightmare. You will always either:
a) forget something and have to go back
b) get so freaking annoyed at having to ask your child to put their shoes on a bajillion times that your head explodes
c) see that annoying other mum who you really hoped you could avoid this morning in the swarm of other mums but NO! she is right there in your bloody face!!!!!
Your child will always take five years to put their school uniform on in the morning
OK, maybe not five years but definitely the best part of an hour with excessive amounts of chivying along by yours truly. And then there will always be something wrong with it – the tights have gone funny, I want the cardigan not the jumper, I lost my knickers even though they are RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE!!!! Oh the pain. Every. Single. Morning.
The school gate struggle is real
You feel like you’re in an episode of Challenge Anneka (yup, showing my age here!). Your mission – to get to your child’s entry point without a) losing them in the wayward struggle and therefore shouting for them like a banshee b) Getting caught up with that mum who will just not stop talking at you about boring drivel c) Drowning in a pool of your own sweat with makes being menopausal look like a joke. The chaos is not a million miles away from out and out guerrilla warfare.
There will always be people who don’t want to talk to you
As much as you try – and by golly can you really not be bothered to try on most mornings – there will always be someone who wants to talk to other people way more than you. They will do everything in their power to act like they are in fact not really there, but a figment of your own imagination. They must not engage at any cost. You will wonder if you have really bad BO from all that sweating you did to get to school on time. You eventually learn that it is they that have the problem, not you.
You will get roped in to doing things you don’t want to do
If you thought having to wipe butts for years on end was bad enough, now you have a whole other array of things you are going to be cornered into doing for the good of the school. Helping out on stalls, collecting buckets full of junk modelling items, and a whole other bunch of stuff you had no idea was even possible.
You will always live in fear of the headteacher
As lovely as heads can be, there is something pre-programmed into us to live in fear of them. You will try to not catch their attention in any way, and if they catch your eye and engage with you, you will literally revert back to your ten year old self and start having problems breathing.
It seems like your child does absolutely nothing all day every day
If what your child tells you about their school day is anything to go by, you would be mistaken for thinking they had been shut up in a cardboard box in a dark room somewhere rather than actually being at school. It is literally the hardest thing in the world to extract any meaningful information about what they have been doing all day and don’t even get me started on what they ate for lunch!
Seeing your child’s face at pick up will always be priceless
No matter how much they might have wound you up that morning, seeing your little sproglet’s excited face at pick up is always a beautiful moment. If Lady Luck is smiling on you might even get a hug to go with it – otherwise, expect a request for snacks instead.
The only thing that trumps that is seeing them in the Nativity
OK so they might only be a sheep but seriously, just look at them go! Maybe not so much for the donkeys though.
School photos will always look pants
No matter how nice you made their hair look, or how clean their jumper was when they left home, somehow they will either look like:
a) a Fraggle
b) Worzel Gummage
c) All teeth and nothing else
With another half a year ahead of us, I’m pretty sure that the learnings will keep coming. I’m hoping by the end of it I won’t feel like an utter newbie fool!
Is your child in their first year of school? How have you found the journey? Do share in a comment below.
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