Everyone tells you your life will change once you have children. That’s probably the greatest understatement of a lifetime.
Having children, while hugely rewarding, is probably one of the biggest shocks you can encounter out there, as us largely selfish creatures have to shelve most of our freedom and life’s luxuries for a new way of life entirely focused on our sproglets. Talk about life being turned on its head!
Here’s 20 ways you can expect things to change once you embark on motherhood. Or if you’re reading this with your child-free life behind you, I’m guessing there’s going to be a lot of nodding in agreement as you’re reading this:
1. 5am used to be the time you stumbled home from a big night out – now it’s the time you’re routinely woken up to clock onto mother shift. A rude awakening in the most literal sense.
2. You used to spend far too long on the toilet numbing your brain with Facebook – now you can’t go to the toilet alone, and usually have your toilet companion clambering all over you while you do so. Personal space? No – you officially no longer have any.
3. You used to sing like nobody’s listening in the shower – now you sing The Wheels on the Bus, on repeat.
4. Your bedroom used to be an oasis of sleep – now it’s like someone opened up a pop-up Toys R Us shop in it. Groovy.
5. You used to be the queen of the party – now the only floor time you’ll get is as queen of the dolly disco..coming to a living room near you soon. Rad.
6. Eating used to be one of your favourite past-times before it got replaced with dustbin duty as you duly hoover up mushy leftovers. Bon appetite!
7. You used to be the pillar of fitness (well everything is relative)! Now your workout includes lifting, bouncing and mainly power-panic-pram-pushing . Move over Davina.
8. Formerly able to drink most people under the table – now your anybody’s after one drink. Hic!
9. Back in the day, the only time you went to bed at 9pm was when you hadn’t gone to bed from the night before – now it’s your de facto bedtime. Rock n roll.
10. Going shopping used to be taking an afternoon out to try on ridiculous outfits you would never wear, just because you could – now it’s a game of supermarket sweep round Tescos. Glam baby, glam.
11. Before, TV used to be all about Breaking Bad, Peep Show and Animal Planet – now TV doesn’t get any more bad ass than Rasta Mouse and animals only come in googley-eyed cartoon format.
12. Hoodies used to be something you wore when you were thirteen along with a face full of acne – now they’re something you hide your sorry ass under when the rain is beating down on your bedraggled pram- pushing-self.
13. Formerly able to sleep deeply and soundly for England, now strange non-existent sproglet sounds rouse you from your sleep far too much than you care to recall. Just simply cruel.
14. Children presenters used to creep you out before, now you’re unable to watch pretty much any of them without being pestered by extreme kiddy fiddler suspicions. Yucks.
15. Holidays used to be all about living the sun-kissed Ibiza or snow-filled slopes dream – now it’s all about living the child friendly reality.
16. Once upon a time when someone said you looked lovely, you’d thank them graciously. Now you get eaten up by the ground beneath you as you realize they’re actually talking about your offspring, not you – you silly!
17. Your Glastonbury and party days are a fading memory which have been replaced by family friendly festivals and kiddy raves. Living it large!
18. You used to be an expert in bar hopping – now the only hopping you do is between playgroups in a bid to keep your sproglet busy…and your sanity in tact. Who needs a social life eh?
19. A lazy lie in used to mean rolling out of bed at 11am – now you’re lucky if a lie in equates to anything after the 7am mark. If it does, you’re probably too busy worrying if they’re still alive to actually enjoy it anyway!
20. You used to immerse yourself in all the latest, greatest reads for hours on end…now your bedside book stack consists of Jack and the Beanstalk and The Hungry Caterpillar, which you have to read about 5 times each on a daily basis. Oh for the love of literature!
What do you most miss from your pre-kiddy days? Leave a comment and reminisce here.