10 new year resolutions for parents

So here we are, at the start of a new year. With so much uncertainty over the last two years, we are all wondering hard if 2022 will bring improvements to our lives. The reality is, we can only control what we can control, so how can we make change for ourselves and our families in 2022? With that question in mind, I asked our resident parenting expert Louise Hoffman-Brooks of Parenting Success Coaching to share her suggested new year resolutions for parents. If you’re looking to make change to your family life this year, here are 10 new year resolutions for parents you can actually make and keep in 2022 – or indeed any year!

10 new year resolutions for parents

Prioritise my own needs and wants

Because it can feel really indulgent to put our needs as a mum on the family’s agenda, it is tempting to downplay their importance and derive our mothering. Consequently family life can often feel suffocating and overwhelming and we wonder why we easily snap at the people we love more than anything. Love for our children is not at the expense of love for ourself. In fact, the better able we are to meet our own needs and tend with compassion to ourselves, the better able we are to connect with our children.

– Recognising your own boundaries and say no to things that overwhelm you
– Getting enough sleep
– Moving your body
– Saying yes to meeting with friends – also

Listen more – talk less to the little things so that my child might tell me the big things

A dad I once spoke to said it beautifully: “When my child has done something wrong, I don’t want him to hide it from me out of fear of getting into trouble. I want him to think; I need my dad”

When we focus on listening without judgement and instead listen to understand our child’s perspective, our relationship to our child changes. The older the child the less they need our view on things, because they already know it. They need us to be the container for their own thoughts and perspectives.

Many children don’t satisfy our need for a blow-by-blow account of their school day upon pick up, but will want to talk and share with us if we are willing to be a little patient. The big things are often shared at bedtime and if we want a good connection, it is wise to listen when the moment is right for them.

A walk, a bike ride or hopping on the trampoline together is another way we calibrate and set the scene for our children to open up. The more we can listen without judgment and instead be open-minded and curious – the more our children will feel safe to share with us. And when they can share the little things with us, they will know that they can share the big things with us too.

10 minutes of special time with each of my children

If sibling tension and jealousy are an issue in the family, adopting a daily practice of 10 minutes of special time with each of our children is a wonderful way of injecting a dose of ‘see vitamins’ into our child.

A lot of jealousy between siblings is borne out of a fear of not mattering the same to mum and dad. Rather than giving arguments a lot of our negative attention, getting intentional about spending some positive time with each child in a way that is meaningful to you both, is a sure way to ensure that your child feels seen and loved.

There is a difference between hanging out in the same house – and being together. When we dedicate as little as ten minutes to our child and actively decide to leave aside chores and our phone, we might first realise how rarely we really do this. All too easily our child ends up being the one asking for our attention – but reversing this dynamic ensures that you will feel less harassed and instead be able to show up generously.

• Make a cup of tea and sit on the floor with your child
• Pull up a chair and watch your child practice ball in the garden
• Colour and draw together
• Jump on the trampoline
• What can you do? This need not be taxing – but a time when your attention is not divided and your phone is put away.

One thing I consistently say yes to

As a parent, we all have something that we know hits the spot for our child. Something that your child enjoys doing with you. This might be jumping on the trampoline, football, playing a game.. whatever it is for you – there is real power in committing to nourishing that thing in your relationship with your child.

Tempting as it is to say no because – let’s face it, dinner doesn’t cook itself, it is worth taking a mindful moment to remember that we get 18 Christmases with our child. Asking ourselves, what our future self would have wanted for us to do, is a powerful way to connect and live from our highest values. 

When we do something with consistency we often lessen the guilt that we can feel as a result of consistently prioritising the laundry over time spent with those we love the most.

Allow myself to change my mind

Consistency is key. And once you’ve said A you have got to say B. Right?!

No.

This script is archaic and rests on the assumption that children won’t respect us if they see any change of heart. The fact is, children respect us more when they can tell that there is congruency between what we say and what’s going on in our minds.

If, after you’ve initially said no, you realise that you lean more towards a yes, your child can feel it in your wavering. Knowing that you are not losing authority and respect by changing your mind means that you can sidestep many unnecessary fights.

The key is to never say: “Fine then. Have it”. But instead remain in charge and admit that you’ve had a change of heart: “Okay – I’ve had a think about it – and I’ve decided it’s fine by me”. This way children not only learn that the crying and whinging is not what paid off (even if it is) but that there is no shame in a flexible mindset.

Introduce a family meeting

Family life happens automatically whether we feel we are in charge or not. It’s like a train that is in constant motion. The forward motion does not depend on you DRIVING the train – but where you are heading and what guides your journey is down is down to your level of awareness and ability to cooperate as a family.

One of the greatest gifts of working with a parenting coach is that it offers a unique opportunity to become more aware of the unwanted patterns and behaviours that trip us up and prevent us from living the family life we yearn to live.

The good news is – as a family we can introduce a practice that helps all family members to feel valuable and able to shape the agenda by setting up a family meeting.

In no way is this a formal meeting – but an opportunity for everyone to voice their concerns, longings or resolve conflict or issues that keep occurring. The guiding principles of a family meeting is that each family member is allowed to talk (consider using an ‘I’m talking’ prop) and that we refrain from critiquing.

Open up to trusted people about the hard things

If we are to judge by the appearance on Instagram, it would seem as though everyone are leading magical and conflict free lives. The truth is, every family, every relationship and every parent experiences challenges, insecurities and ups and downs. And one of the most powerful ways to empower ourselves and deepen our relationships to others, is to share our struggles.

When we share the difficult stuff it halves. When we share our joy – it doubles. So goes an old proverb. And it is true. Yet, not everyone is deserving of our inner most thoughts and feelings and not everyone is invested in our own growth.
If you have got a couple of people or a professional in your life with whom you can confide, you are blessed. And when you lean into the support that is around you and can begin to trust that you are not alone in occasionally feeling less than a perfect mother – you come to see that being a ‘good enough mother’ is more than enough.

Lowering the bar

Before you head into the new year and push the ‘play’ after the holidays – make sure you don’t push ‘repeat’ if how you felt this past year what not leaving you feeling energised or joyful for the majority of the time.

Parenting is hard. There is no doubt about that. Yet, often the parenting challenges are made harder by the sky-high expectations and perfectionism that easily sneaks into motherhood.

Here are some points to reflect on:

• Fishfingers – while not advisable 7 days a week – is also food.
• The level of cleanliness in your house is not an indication of your intrinsic worth as a person.
• Managing other people’s expectations and saying no to events or people in your life that drain you does not make you a bad friend, daughter or mum. It makes you real and honest and able to love more wholly.
• Where are you constantly striving to meet an expectation that is zapping you of joy and energy? What might be possible if you lowered the bar a little?

Often, when we lower the bar a little we become capable of so much more.

Forgive myself and practice more self-compassion

One of the hardest parts of motherhood is to accept that, despite our best intentions, not everything we do and say has the intended effect. In other words; we get it wrong, we make mistakes, we say and do things that we later wish we could take back.

Contrary to what we’ve learnt growing up, it is not the self-loathing and lack of self-forgiveness that makes us do better next time. It is when we adopt a more forgiving and self-compassionate stance towards ourselves that things change for us.

When we can do that for ourselves, the way we relate to our children soften too and our relationships improve. If there is an area of your life that continually feels difficult to change 2022 might be the year where you allow yourself to get to know that part of yourself better through the help of a parenting coach or a mental health professional. When we allow ourselves to admit that we need some new strategies, mindset or understanding in order to get to places that we yearn to go – we fast track our own growth and avoid many unnecessary and painful experiences.

Have fun

We are only here on borrowed time. Some of us have experienced hardship, loss and pain these past two years and have perhaps been reminded of the fragility of life. Kids know better than anyone what life is all about; Making the most of it – letting life flow through us and have fun.

Much of what we do as adults is trying to control life. This often means that we cut ourselves off from a source of joy that kids tap into on a daily basis. But where do we start if fun is not exactly highest on your list of values at the moment;

Write a list and ask yourself:

• What do I enjoy?
• What did I used to find fun before I became a mum?
• Can I do more of that?
• When did I last laugh?
• Who makes me laugh?
• Who do I need to be in order to easily have fun?

These are good questions to ponder -and nothing would benefit your family more than making a commitment to yourself to seeking out more fun moments and letting life flow through you.

We hope these new year resolutions for parents inspire you. Which of the above appeal most?

This post has been included in the Twinkl New Year Resolutions for 2022 blog

Christmas photo created by azerbaijan_stockers, rawpixel.com, People photo created by freepik – www.freepik.com

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